Palm tree's, Transvestite's, and pissed off Toad's
by Flyer-2100
Summary: Mabey there's something wrong about this assiggment that Ed's not getting:His boyfriends in a different house. His best officer is in a differnt house. People think he's a girl. And he's going to a magic school. No nothing wrong here. Ed/Envy
1. Get News and a little crack

**Hi everyone it's me Flyer. I realize that I am supposed to be Rewriting 'The difference between you and me', but I have writer's block so I ended up starting this new fic. As everyone should already know this will be a HP FMA X-over so I hope that I do good. **

**Okay little snippets of info before you read:**

'Hi my name is Bob'**=Thoughts**

"Hi my name is Bob**"=Talking**

"_Hi my name is Bob"=_**Talking in Amestrian/German**

**Well I hope every one enjoy's the story, and now here's Aro(He'll be in later on in the story) to give you the Disclaimer.**

**Aro:Flyer-2100 does not own Harry potter or Full metal Alchemist. All rights go to J.K. Rowling and Hiromu Arakawa.**

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**Chapter one: The news**

**--Ed/Envy's room--**

"Ngh, Envy, we can't—ah!" The raspy voice escaped from a young blonde lying on a small cot. Said blonde was pinned down by a slightly taller green haired teen with an amused grin on his face. Said teen was busy nipping on the blonde's neck, too busy to notice the blonde's constant protests.

"Why not, O-Chibi-San…? It seems like your enjoying it." The green haired teen said alluringly. The blonde moaned from the constant nipping just in time for the door to open. Who stood in said door was none other than a very pissed off Fuhrer Roy Mustang. Once the blonde and black haired men met gazes the blondes face turned bright red and Mustangs eyes widened in surprise. Envy let out a possessive growl. Hearing this both of the alchemists snapped out of their shock. The blonde pushed Envy off of him, who started to pout, and began the search the room for his discarded shirt while the Mustang still stood in the doorway, eyes following the blonde with interest and annoyance.

"Edward," Mustang was in full military mode now, "I have a new mission for you." His deep voice reverberated off the blanks walls of the small living quarters.

"If Al's not coming with me than Envy and Iris are," Edward replied nonchalantly from the other side of the cot. Since Alphonse got his body back he has been working in the military, and he's already a First Lieutenant, while Ed on the other hand is a Brigadier General. Envy here was still technically in hiding but he lives with Edward at central HQ. The other one mentioned, Iris Frasier, was one of Ed's team and he trusted her and gave her respect, which is very hard to earn if we're talking about Ed. "Otherwise I'm not going. Hah, found it! Envy why did you throw my shirt in the bathroom…?"

"You expect me to know that…? I just removed the annoying fabric and flung it across the room. How was I supposed tot know where it landed?" Envy said in a playful voice. Mustang still stood in the door while Ed put his shirt back on, finally coming to his senses he actually stepped in and closed the door behind him so as not to reveal the Homunculus still sitting on the bed.

"Fine, Envy and First Lt. Frasier will go with you." Mustang said with a forcibly straight face.

"Aww, Chibi why do I have to go with you?"

"Because I have a really bad feeling about this assignment,"

"Meet me in my office at noon tomorrow. There will be someone there that you three need to meet, so where your uniform Edward." Mustang's voice ground out through clenched teeth (A/N Remember he's already pissed off for some reason).

"Righto', Bastard Fuhrer." Was Ed's gracious reply as he turned on his heel and headed for the small kitchenette. He heard the door slam shut and came back into the sitting room with a cup of coffee. "Envy, be prepared for a very long trip."

**--Iris' room--**

There was a light knock at the door and something that sounded like a muffled curse from the bed. A figure rose from the rumpled sheets and proceeded to the door with very tired eyes and sluggish feet. Raven-Blue hair trailed behind like a giant bush. The door was opened and First Lt. Hawkeye stood in the doorway clad in her blue military uniform.

"First Lt. Frasier, may I come in?" The blonde woman standing in the doorway asked in a business like manner. Frasier's eye's bugged and she quickly dragged Hawkeye into the room while shutting the door behind her.

"Ms. Hawkeye, please refrain from using my military status in this building. None of its occupant's knows that I am in the military, let alone that I am a state alchemist." Frasier said quietly. Hawkeye scanned over Frasier's attire and came to a very interesting conclusion.

"Iris, did I wake you up?" Was Hawkeye's question about the young girls outfit: she was wearing her white shirt (half-way unbuttoned) that she wore under her uniform and she had no bra on. Turning on the spot she bolted into the bathroom to find some kind of pants and 'undergarments'. Coming out a minute later, she was wearing a loose pair of sweat pants and had on a plain black T-shirt.

"Eh heh sorry about that, I had a late night with Ed," She said scratching the back of her now brushed Raven-Blue locks. Her eyebrow piercing was moving a bit with all of her nervous laughter.

"I would've thought you'd be on him about paperwork."

"Yeah, well, I would've but Fuhrer Flamey thought it would be a fun idea to royally piss me and Ed off, so we needed to relax and we just had a…drink…or two…" She looked down at her feet and Hawkeye gave her a look that said she was disappointed in her.

"Iris, you know that you shouldn't drink at your age," There was a pause and Iris sent a glare at Hawkeye. "But I suppose that there's nothing I can do to stop you is there…?" Iris shook her head and Hawkeye sighed. "Right then, the Fuhrer has a mission for you. He wants you to report to his office at noon tomorrow, Edward and the green-haired Homunculus will be joining you on this trip."

"Yes! I've been needin' some action lately. Well okay we get plenty from Flame Boy, considering how irritated he can get." She started to mumble under her breath about 'pyromaniac idiotic Fuhrers', which resulted in a migraine. "Bah, my head, Oi! Riza, I'm gonna take a walk down to Ed's place. Join me if you like but I don't think that Envy like's you too much." She looked around for her normal blue jeans while trying to locate her combat boots. Once finding both she shooed Hawkeye into the kitchen so that she could change. She came in a few minutes later wearing the blue jeans and combat boots along with a Deep green long sleeve shirt and a small rucksack(more than likely carrying her alchemic supply's)on her back. Her earrings were all in place on her left ear and her nose and eyebrow piercing had both been changed out for emerald (Nose) and orange-red (eyebrow).

"Okay, let's go. I want to try and break up a make-out session or Envy trying to molest Ed." She had an evil smile on her face and she was snickering slightly. Hawkeye followed her through the door and down the stairs. They went over another into another building where most of the higher-ups had their dorms.

Ed's door was unlocked so that had to mean that someone was there. Iris quietly cracked the door ever so slightly to reveal two gently rising and falling lumps under the beds covers. Seeing the chance to majorly piss Ed AND Envy off, she snuck into the room quietly and moved swiftly and silently into the kitchen. She filled a pitcher to the brim with water and, again with the stealth of a cat, moved to a spot at the front of the bed. She immediately threw the pitcher of water onto the bed and watched the explosion occur.

"AH, SHIT, WHAT THE HELL IRIS?!?!?" Ed

"….." Envy didn't wake up.

"Ah, meanie Envy, why didn't he wake up…?" Iris asked ignoring Ed's question. The green-haired Homunculus didn't wake up for several minutes, in which both alchemists kept arguing about how Ed was woken up.

When the palm tree finally woke up he looked confused and then with an amused smirk he made himself known, "Oi, Chibi why am I wet?"

"Iris was trying to pull a prank."

"Okay, well so long as I'm wet I'm gonna take a shower. Chibi you can join me if you want…" Envy trailed off at the sparkle he saw in his Chibi's eyes. Iris had a look of confusion and then understanding on her face as she tried to decipher the mysterious sparkle. She started to snicker and was barely containing her laughs as she started to head out the door.

"C'mon Riza, we can't let Fuhrer Flamey wait down at HQ can we." She asked trying not to let her voice crack. "R-right, ah yes, yes the Fuhrer has asked for an audience with us. Right, right I'm right behind you.

"Have fun boy's! Oh and Envy, don't be to ruff on Eddie. He has to be able to stand tomorrow." She had popped her head back in the door for the last sentence and was now striding down the hallway laughing like a crazy person with a very confused and silent Hawkeye.

Tomorrow was certainly going to be interesting.


	2. Arrive and get sorted

**Hello again! I am sorry that the last chap was so short. I thought it would be longer on fanfic's format than it was sooo I kinda bombed on that. I am really hoping that this chap will be even longer, so yay! The evil crack bunnies have taken over my mind so I'm not sure if they plan to add some crack into this fic or not…most likely they will. **

**Okay little snippets of info before you read:**

'Hi my name is Bob'**=Thoughts**

"Hi my name is Bob**"=Talking**

"_Hi my name is Bob"=_**Talking in Amestrian/German or the sorting hat**

**Anyway here's Aro with the disclaimer.**

**Aro:Flyer-2100 does not own Harry Potter or Full metal Alchemist. All rights go to J.K. Rowling and Hiromu Arakawa.**

**Chapter two: Arrival **

It was five till noon and Envy, Iris, and Ed were all making there way down to the Fuhrers office. Ed was sulking because he had to wear the uniform and Iris and Envy were arguing about something who knows what (1). Arriving on time to a mission briefing was a team effort when it came to these three. For one thing, if Ed new about it the day before, it would take two people and someone threatening to call Winry (2). If he DIDN'T know about it then all you had to do was tie him up and carry him to Mustang.

They had arrived about two minutes after noon so they were a bit late, Mustang was not happy with this. He had been having a conversation with the most oddly dressed woman the trio had ever seen. She was wearing emerald green robes and a black traveling cloak; her graying chestnut hair was in a tight bun and she looked to be extremely old.

When the three opened the door Mustang sent them a heated glare and cut off mid sentence to point out the obvious, "Ah, it looks like my subordinates have arrived. I would like you three to meet Professor Minerva McGonagall, please introduce yourselves,"

Iris took a step forward in salute and in a business type way said, "I am First Lt. Iris Frasier the Aquas Alchemist and am right hand officer to Brigadier General Edward Elric." She stepped back and pushed Ed forward. He looked at her annoyed before saluting.

"I am Brigadier General Edward Elric the Full metal Alchemist and am in charge of the security of the fifth Laboratory." His voice was quieter than Iris' but it was able to be heard along with his annoyed tone. He stepped out of the salute and pushed Envy forward, much to the young (3) sins dismay.

"I am the Sin of Envy and Boyfriend of Brigadier General Chibi shrimp behind me." He said all this in a nonchalant voice, not noticing or exceedingly easily ignoring the fact that Ed's face turned crimson and McGonagall looked aghast at the fact that two males would have a relationship other than friendship or brotherhood. There was a moment when Iris had to hold Ed back and muffle his short rant while McGonagall returned her gaze to Mustang.

"What does he mean by 'Sin of Envy' Fuhrer…? Surely no one can actually be a sin…?" Her voice was wary, as if she was frightened by the answer she would get. He looked irritated that Envy had told her his full 'Name' because now he would have to explain this. But just as he was about to open his mouth to speak, he was cut off by the green haired Homunculus,

"I meant exactly what I said. I am the Sin of Envy, I am a created human, and I am a Homuculus. If you don't like it sho"- He was cut off be a hand muffling his mouth. He looked to his side to see that Ed had gotten free of Iris or that Iris had let go of Ed either way, Ed's auto-mail was closed firmly around Envy's jaw making it impossible to speak the least bit clearly. He glared at Ed but didn't struggle. Roy's eyes were wide with distress because he couldn't think of an excuse to tell the professor.

To everyone's relief, and McGonagall's confusion, Iris stepped forward and said, "Eheheh, well you see Professor, Envy's parents were very _abusive_ in a way and when he was born they had hated him so much that they named him the 'Sin of Envy'. They kept telling him as a child that he was worthless and wasn't even human and loads of other things and sooner or later they ended up saying that he was a homunculus and he's basically lived with thinking he's worthless the entirety of his life." She said all this in only one breath and McGonagall looked pain stricken and absolutely ruffled. Envy looked happy, while Ed on the other hand was looking curiously at Envy, considering he still had his hand over Envy's mouth and the sin had a certain light in his eye.

McGonagall looked over at the sin with a pitying gaze for just a moment before her eyes hardened again and she looked back to mustang with a stern gaze, "Well, Fuhrer I will take the children with me," The three teenagers looked taken aback. "But first I need to know this young man's surname." She gestured toward Envy at the last bit and everyone in the room looked confused except for the one charcoal haired man.

"Oh yes, how rude of him, his surname is Van (4)," Envy looked enraged at this, but Mustang had to thank the heavens that Ed had gotten a lot stronger and could hold the sin back. "Now then, you four should hurry and catch your ride."

"We're not packed stupid." Ed graciously replied.

"Oh, you don't need to worry about your clothing," And with that she pulled out an odd stick and gave it a swish, two seconds later all of Ed's, Iris's, and Envy's clothing floated into the room in duffels. "Now, Mr. Mustang's right, we need to leave. Please hold onto this when I say three."

McGonagall had just pulled out, what looked to be, a hair brush from the pocket of her robes. She held it out while everyone looked confused. "Everyone grab a bag and, quickly now, grab hold of the brush. Hurry! 1….2….3!" And just like that all three of the teen Amestrians felt a hard tugging at their navel. Being pulled through a straw was not fun by their perspective.

Ed and Iris landed hard on the stone walkway of a small and tattered square garden, while Envy and Professor McGonagall landed neatly on their feet. Getting up annoyed, the two alchemists followed McGonagall, with Envy trailing behind, up a small path and a few stairs to a door that said number 12. McGonagall knocked once and immediately there was loud muffled screaming from the other side. The door opened hurriedly and the three Amestrians were pushed in quickly. The screaming continued until someone yelled and there were pained grunts and finally it stopped.

A man with shoulder length scraggly dark hair came walking irritably up the hallway muttering to himself about 'wretched mothers' and 'stupid heads of families'. Looking up he spotted the newcomers and welcomed them warmly, "Hello, I'm Sirius, and Minerva who might these three be..?" His eyes were lit with curiosity and excitement.

"These, Sirius, are the new exchange student's Albus has been talking about: Edward Elric, Iris Frasier, and Envy Van." To each in turn she pointed, and each said there hello.

"Hello." Iris.

"Hey." Ed.

"…" Envy.

"Interesting…I say, why are you two wearing military uniforms…?" Sirius asked even more curious as he led them down the hallway into the kitchen. All inhabitants of Grimmauld place were downstairs in the basement kitchen, already eating away at sandwiches and drinking butterbeer. The two alchemists were saved from answering any more questions once they entered the crowded dining room, for all the people in there had stopped talking and turned their gaze onto the newcomers.

"Molly," McGonagall began, "Could you show these three up to their rooms….? I need to get the sorting hat from Hogwarts." McGonagall was looking towards a very plump woman with long curly red hair. She started at the Professors rudeness but replied kindly,

"Of course, Professor. Now before I take you up there how about we learn each others names…? I'm Molly Weasley and these are my children Bill, Fred, George, Ron, and Ginny. And then these young lady's here are Nymphadora Tonks and Hermione Granger. I suppose you've already met Sirius, the man next to him is Remus Lupin. And you three are…?" The three Amestrians were at a loss for words. The shock that they still hadn't been told their mission yet was annoying, yes, but now they had to start living with thirteen people in the same house.

"Oh yes, how rude of us. My name Iris Frasier, this is Edward Elric and Envy Van." Her tone was polite but quick and her movements were jerky, as if she was either nervous or wanted to get this over with so she could be alone.

"Right, now everyone knows each other. Molly, please, show them to there rooms and I will be back in half an hour." With that she turned on the spot and disappeared up the stairs. While the three Amestrians just stood there with blank looks on their faces, everyone in the room had resumed chatting but in quieter voices. Mrs. Weasley shot them an annoyed look before she herded the three newcomers up the stairs towards what seemed to be an uninhabited part of the house.

"Alright you three, the room on the left is Iris's and the room on the right you boy's will share. The others' rooms are on the floor just below us and one of the children will come to get you at dinner. Oh, and there will be a young man coming tonight, his name is Harry and he'll more than likely be mad so please try not to aggravate him too much." And with that she left the three to start unpacking and headed down the stairs.

"First things first, get out of this uniform." Iris called desperately. She and Ed quickly moved into the rooms only to come out three seconds later to swap duffels. After about three or four minutes both came out dressed in jeans and black too-long long sleeved shirts, so they could hide their auto-mail without wearing gloves.

"Right lets see if we can think of a back story for all of us. Envy's already got part of his down but Iris and I don't have a clue, so here's what I propose we do…" Ed started talking in hushed tone in case someone was listening in, and in fact some one was. And for the next twenty minutes said person listened in on the three Amestrians fake back story's, and as soon as they heard Mrs. Weasley call from below, stowed the extendable ear quietly in their pocket and made their way down the stairs.

The three Amestrians came to the foot of the stairs and were met with the sight of Professor McGonagall holding a stool and an old stitched hat. They all had confused looks on their faces as McGonagall called them over,

"Elric, come sit on the stool and you will be sorted." Her voice was stern but worried. She was panicking inside because she thought that military personnel might have a dark and bloody past. When she placed the hat on Ed's head it slid to just above his ears and began to whisper,

"_Ahh yes, another tragic pas-An alchemist, my word I haven't had one of you since well over 300 years ago…and you are the son of Hoenheim, my, my, you certainly are cunning but you are also very smart, immensely loyal and very brave. You have all house traits but I think I'll put you in GRYFINNDOR!"_ The hat's whispers became a yell as the young blonde was placed in his house. He got off the stool and walked back over to Iris and Envy with a very confused look on his face. 'How did that hat talk…?' Thought Ed, he was trying to go over the possibilities in his head when the professor called Iris over,

"Frasier, your next then it's Van and we can al go back to our business." McGonagall had a stern look about her and her aura was immense, but her eyes still betrayed a hint of worry. The old professor placed the stitched up hat on top of Iris's Raven blue locks and again it started whisper,

"_Oh ho, so much like the last, an alchemist and a horrible past, not so cunning but immensely book smart and loyal, your bravery is that to be rivaled but I think I'll place you in RAVENCLAW!" _ Again the hat yelled the respective house and Iris hopped off the stool and hurried back over next to Ed and Envy just as confused as her blonde companion, having similar thoughts running through her head.

Envy walked over to McGonagall without a word and sat on the stool and no sooner had the hat been placed on his head had it called, in a very desperate voice, "_SLYTHERINE!_" The young sin gracefully removed himself from the stool and strode over to the other two Amestrians; his confusion easily hidden by a mask of cold boredom.

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**Okay! This was about three fourths of a page longer than the last chapter and hopefully is better than or at least as good as the last one. I'm sorry this took so long to update, I've been stressing a lot lately and my exhaustion is catching up with me. Any who, I really hope you liked this chapter as much as the last so I will leave you all to your chocolate frogs and (maybe some of you are crazy enough) your every flavor beans. Tiny little bit's concerning the numbers in the story:**

**I don't really have a subject for them to argue about so think something up.**

**Remember Ed is someone who is afraid of Winry's wrench so you would think….**

**Envy looks nineteen for Christ's sake, I'm not going to describe him as 'The old sin' that would just be weird.**

**I'm really, really sorry. I couldn't think of anything else that would work for Envy so I'm kinda using the second anime's plot but the people look like they are from the manga.**

**Now I bid you ado my friends and loyal story alert peoplez.**

**Flyer out.**


	3. Trains part 1

**Hello my loyal Readers! I am very sorry I haven't updated in so long, but my computer completely crashed and had to write this chapter from scratch so I had to get rid of my writers block and stop writing random fics in class. Any who, because I'm a complete asshole I am not going to include the classic dinner fight scene with the order and all the children. I am going to completely skip that and go straight to Diagon Alley. Call me a jerk all you want but I'm still going to. Flames and consrtuctive critisism are welcome my friends!**

**Little Snippets before we start the story:**

'_Hi my name is Bob_'**=Thoughts**

"Hi my name is Bob**"=Talking**

**okay here's Aro with the disclaimer.**

******Aro:Flyer-2100 does not own Harry potter or Full metal Alchemist. All rights go to J.K. Rowling and Hiromu Arakawa.**

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Have train troubles and flustered wand makers

_0.0_

"Booklists have arrived," Ron said as he entered into Harry and his shared room. For whatever reason or another, Envy and Edward were also there, conversing with Harry about Quidditch and how the actual brooms stay up in the air. Envy had just accepted it as another of the worlds annoyances, but Edward had not. Ignoring the almost inaudible ranting the young blonde had commenced himself in, the second youngest Weasley continued over to his best friend who was trying, not so tactfully, to clean off the top of the shared wardrobe. "About time too, you'd think they'd forgotten, since they usually come earlier." The red head passed a letter to Envy and Edward and also to Harry as he threw the owl droppings into the waste basket.

"Hm, only two new ones this year," The Dark haired teen looked thoughtfully over his list. "Oh yeah; hey Ed, where did you say Iris was? Ron, you've got hers and Hermione's letters too don't you?"

_Crack_

Harry, who was already used to the Weasely twins apparating in and out of the different rooms of the house, hardly flinched as the two red headed boys popped in right beside him; Ed, on the other hand, had avoided contact with most of the household except for his two Amestrian companions, so he was still not used to the loud crack of apparition.

The group of teens heard loud and quick footsteps and, no longer than thirty seconds later, Iris quickly crossed the threshold of the small bedroom and slammed the door behind her. "Goddammit! Why the hell can't Molly just use her idiotic magic to cook instead of preachin' to me sayin' that '_proper young ladies must learn to cook for their new husbands_'? I hate it!" She imitated Mrs. Weasely's voice almost perfectly. Iris' raven-blue hair was puffed in annoyance and her eyes blazed with disorder and confusion. Ed and Envy burst out laughing.

The thought that their Iris, the Lieutenant that could beat Winry and Izumi at anger and fierceness, could possibly be competent in the kitchen was absolutely absurd! She glared at her Amestrian friends and stalked over to Ron's bed and sat down. The twins looked mercilessly at each other and then at the Raven Lieutenant.

"Now why-" Fred started.

"would Mum-" George followed.

"try to get you-"

"to help you in-"

"the kitchen when-"

"she and Hermione-"

"are capable on their own?" They both finished in sync.

"Because the girl can't cook for shit!" Envy said still laughing. Both lovers immediately stopped laughing as an evil aura surrounded the raven haired teen.

"If your smart you will run now." Eward was the first one to speak and the first one out of the door. The others followed. Let's just thank the gate that Envy had regenerative powers and he hasn't died that much.

_0.0_

Edward looked down the rows and rows of full compartments and seemed to feel slightly claustrophobic, but he kept on going. As the Trio of Amestrians reached the end of the first car they spotted a compartment that only seated red head, and by the looks of her robes she was a Slytherine. Ed opened the compartment door and withheld the young Slytherines attention for all of ten seconds before she nodded a yes to his silent question; Iris pushed him forward in the compartment to the opposite side of the red haired girl.

The awkward silence filled the compartment, Iris was fist to break it. "My name is Iris Frasier, I'm in Ravenclaw, Envy here is in Slytherine like you, and Edward is in Gryfinndor. It's a pleasure to meet you..?"

"The name is Flare Thiamine. I come from a wealthy pure blood family that's full of Slytherines." She opened her eyes to reveal bright red irises. "You, Ravenclaw girl, don't seem to get it here at Hogwarts do you? The pure bloods rule the school and hardly any Slytherine girls talk to anyone out of our house. Gryfinndor boy, i might come to like you. Newbie, just try and keep up and i might teach you the ropes of this place. Now leave me be, I want to sleep." Iris was taken aback by the newly named Flare's attitude. Flare glared and moved to lean her head on the window when the compartment door flew open once again.

"Goddammit..." The red headed Slytherine muttered under her breath as a boy with platinum blonde hair stepped into the car and sat beside her. Edward eyed him warily. _'I've got a bad feeling about this kid...'_

"Well, well. What do we have hear Thiamine? Are these your new lap dogs? Hn, look like idiot Mudbloods to me." The Blonde Slytherine scoffed and sat next to Flare with utter distaste. He eyed Ed warely and looked at Iris in disgust. Catching Envy's eye and looking at his house seal, he struck up a conversation with the Homunculus. "Slytherine ,hm? Are you a first year or what?"

Envy looked up annoyed at having to talk to the idiototic platinum blonde across from him. "Actually, I'm a sixth year thank you. Don't get me mixed up with the idiots who can't find a single peice of paper without a wand." Envy gave him a half-hearted glare and the other slytherine boy stood down.

**Really really short I know but I needed to do this so I could open a Beta reader account. Please review and Flames are welcome! **


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